i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
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