So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters.
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
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