I am at a 420 party and i just told a girl "hey, less not getting donuts, more getting donuts"(1-855): and did she get any doughnuts?
No. I am devastated
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
he has pokemon bedsheets but his dick is huge so i took one for the team
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
Randomize
