then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
the lesbians just got naked and went into the ocean... this never happened when i was a camper.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
4 of us. Guys and girls. Were sitting there discussing the passed out half naked Brit girl on the floor. She is no longer the international woman of mystery.
Randomize
