last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
Randomize
