So, how was the dinner
Just like the ex wife, cold, fatty, and expensive.
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
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