you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
Today a TA in one of my classes told me he thought I was 35 and going back to school as an adult learner. Alcohol is working me.
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
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