you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
Randomize
