Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
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