Your dad touched me again.
You gave him head? He fingered you? A little bit of make out?
WHAT THE FUCK ITS LIKE YOU WERE THERE
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Randomize
