my shit smells like andre
Two girls down stairs, two girls up stairs and....
We've got ourselves a situation
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
Randomize
