trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
