That's kind of creepy but I guess since I'm wearing your dad's pants nothing is off limits anymore
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
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