the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
The guy in front of me in Sociology is definitely working on my farm in farmville. Never met him before. Do I thank him?
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
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