I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
Randomize
