As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
porn star boner night. come get it.
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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