we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
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