i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
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