my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
3 cups of coffee and some molly. The "Tay's Day Off Diet"
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
Randomize
