Courtney? Is that you? I have pictures of this very same night.
I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
You had a good week dude, you bought a motorcycle and a beer bong with ur parents money, missed 2 classes, and ran from security twice, good first 2 days to college
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
