Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
The way I see it, if i don't fail the midterm and blow off some of the projects, how else am I going to get motivated to study for the final ?
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
