You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
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