I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
Randomize
