i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
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