this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
someone owes me an orgasm
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Randomize
