I'm almost 25, which means I can ride with girls that have permits
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
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