do u usually make out with people before telling them your name???
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
He still wants to giggity, regardless of his girlfriend. So...I guess I'm happy again.
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
Randomize
