You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Randomize
