Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
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I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
you had a pretty long talk with your shrooms in attempt to make them not give you a bad trip, it failed
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
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