The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
