nothing says platonic group sex like a campfire and smores
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
Legal advice please. Can you sue someone for jerking off to photos of you?
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
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