we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
Randomize
