On a side note I can sing drakes “best I ever had” so good you’d think I was on degrassi.
You have to stop making references to your extense knowledge of 13 year old girl television programming for me to believe you aren’t homo. The Bravo line-up was one thing, but seriously
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
