Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
OMG OMG OMG I just throwed up in his pillow case when he wentto start the sho wer, time to grab my bra and bounce!!!
Wow.
Randomize
