I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
i cant wait for all this BS that is happening with Tiger to happen to Tebow
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
We need to feng shui this bitch.
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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