in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
I think I'm going to make a pina klonopin before class.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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