all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
His hands were made for my vagina.
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
She's better-looking with the mask on.
Randomize
