Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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