We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
Great. Don't do shady things like that ok?
But he was like 75 and lives right near mom and dad. Not a threat at all.
I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
I wonder if those guys know that i know that is a halfway house and dont just think it is some cool older guy frat house.
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
just passed my midterm while getting a blow job. i love going to school online
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
Randomize
