theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
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