I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
Marg and I just meaowed the nat anthem. I was tenor.
'm tripping baaaaaaaaaaaaaaas
we used that portable toilet as a cooler to keep coronas. next person who tells me hospitals arn't fun needs to come party in rm 180.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
I just don't understand what you plan on accomplishing there except for losing all vestiges of post-freshman year dignity
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