I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
We're gonna have to suck it up and start making out for free drinks. No homo. I'm watching Tyra "I kissed a girl and I got free drinks."
Let's do it. All homo
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
we turned his baptism video into a drinking game
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
he had hair everywhere except his balls
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
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