I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
Just had another dream about being on Real Chance of Love. I think it's a sign.
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
Randomize
