i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
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