I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
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