I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
my longitudinal study of the long term effects of sloth and alchol-intake is nearly complete.
so you are graduating this semester.
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
Randomize
