1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
Blood. All over. Pre coke adventure needs to slow down unless I'm involved
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
You've changed since you got that strap on
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
I guess the weekly d&d orgies are treating you well
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Randomize
