im over her. I got weed and youtube. everything i could ever ask for.
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
Im part way to drunk.
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
Randomize
