i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
yeah...it smells like an asshole would smell if someone ate sewage.
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
She's not a foreskin expert like you
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
Drunk is a universal language darling
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