we were pretty classy up until the second keg
So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
Randomize
