When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
me and him got disney princess makeovers at disneyworld. this is why gay guys make the best friends.
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
Randomize
