also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
she was a 2....and a legitimate 2. like, helen keller is a 1, this girl...2.
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
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