i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
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