Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
yesterday pre dick pic he said "no disrespect to your situation but i cant wait to get ahold of you again in the future" is this how people network??
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
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