her eyes looked like someone had poured fruit punch in them. needless to say we had a good time.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
Randomize
