U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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