90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
The cops high fived after they tackled you
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
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