Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
Randomize
